Smiles-My facade

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the subject of recovery just because I have a few friends who are working on recovery. I've also been doing some perusing on the net and I've come across some different blogs and communities discussing wanting a life worth living but not wanting to give up their ED or give it up completely. This dialectic is so crazy but I completely understand. There are times when I'm completely okay with never getting better and then there are times when I want nothing more than to be free from my ED. But the thought of recovery is SO terrifying. It's hard enough for me to get through one meal eating "healthily" and keep it let alone a day or longer. I've been in treatment before and I know that my body needs food and more food than I'm willing to admit to function well. But knowing and believing are Completely different. Heck I've taken classes at university about how the body on a cellular level uses nutrients and vitamins from food to function. I know about the physiology of the body yet I don't believe it applies to my body. Ridiculous I know but that goes along with an ED. Every time I get out of a treatment program I restrict more and more each day and start to exercise way more than I should but it just seems so much easier to have my ED than to fight it. I wonder if I will ever get to a point when I will truly want to recover and stick with it.

I have two more weeks to go w/ treatment and I'm SO ready to be done!! I want to run more and eat less and lose all of this ridiculous amount of weight that I gained. I want to be 145lbs again and even less by the end of the summer. I also want to be in shape to at least run the half marathon for the Akron Marathon in September!! I really want to run in the Cleveland marathon in May; just the 10k because I know that I would get in "trouble" for pushing myself and training for a half. I really feel like I can build back up to running 6 or 7 miles. I'm running about 30-40 minutes each time I ran in the past week so if I run 40-50 minutes this week and continue to add five to ten minutes each week and add sprints I should get there in two months. I just have to make sure that my housemates don't get on my case and that I eat in front of them which shouldn't be as big of a deal if I don't eat as much during the day and then eat the little meals that I'm supposed to for my meal plan when they are around. This should keep me at around 12-15 exchanges a day which is around 1000 cals and with running that should keep me at a place where my brain is functioning and my metabolism shouldn't shut down and go into starvation mode again. Tis the plan for now. I really think I can stick to this and get through the semester and not have to go back into day treatment. I hope that I'll be able to lose slow enough that no one will get suspicious of the weight loss. Here we got back to a healthy weight.

So I just want to say that I hate finals from the bottom of my heart!!! My mind is not able to focus for more than about 30-45 minutes and then I just want to be done because by that time my brain is going haywire. I get overwhelmed by the amount of information that I need to relearn or learn in the first place b/c I have forgotten it or never took the time to learn it earlier in the semester. Most of it my fault; I can admit to that but now I am not capable of doing this especially in such a short time period.